Imagine you’re walking down the street and, all of a sudden, a big dog comes running towards you. You don’t have time to think about what the best strategy might be. Your body reacts before your mind has a chance to analyse the situation. Your heart starts beating faster, your muscles tense, your breathing quickens and your whole body prepares to survive. This is the body’s survival response.

Although the example above involves an obvious danger, for a child who has been through a traumatic experience, the same alarm system can be triggered even in situations that seem completely ordinary to others. A raised voice, a conflict between classmates, someone coming too close, or even a simple question can be perceived by the brain as danger signals.

Many parents interpret their child’s reactions as a lack of manners, stubbornness or indifference. In reality, the child often does not consciously choose how to react. Their body is trying to protect them.

Why does the body react before we think?

Our brain has a highly efficient system for detecting danger. When it perceives a threat, structures such as the amygdala rapidly send signals to the autonomic nervous system, preparing the body for survival. This process takes place in fractions of a second and is much faster than conscious thought. For this reason, we sometimes react before we have a chance to analyse whether the danger is real.

In children who have experienced trauma, this system can become hypersensitive. It is as if the fire alarm were to go off simply because someone has lit a candle. The child is not deliberately overreacting. They genuinely feel that they are in danger.

1.Fight
For some children, the automatic response is to fight. The body prepares to confront the threat. Muscle tension increases, the urge to control the situation arises, and energy is channelled towards confrontation.

How might this manifest in children?

• hitting, pushing or biting;
• shouting;
• talking back to adults;
• frequently provoking conflicts;
• breaking things;
• having intense tantrums.

From the outside, the child appears aggressive. Inside, however, the message is often: ‘I must defend myself before I get hurt.’ This behaviour does not mean that the child is a bad child. It means that their nervous system is functioning as if there were a constant threat.

2.Flight
Not all children respond by confronting the situation. Some try to escape. Sometimes this escape is obvious. The child leaves the classroom, runs out of the room or avoids certain people. At other times, it is much more subtle.

What might this look like?

• avoiding school;
• frequently saying they have a stomach ache before lessons;
• taking refuge in video games or their mobile phone;
• seeming constantly busy;
• quickly changing the subject when a difficult emotion arises;
  cannot sit still.

In teenagers, the ‘fight’ response can take the form of excessive perfectionism, overworking or a constant need for activity. The inner message is: ‘If I get away quickly enough, I’ll be safe.’

3.Freeze
For many traumatised children, the most common reaction is neither fight nor flight. It is freeze. The body reduces movement and activity to increase the chances of survival when the child feels they can neither fight nor flee.

What might this look like?

the child remains motionless;
does not answer questions;
seems distant;
stares into space;
forgets things very easily;
freezes during tests or when being told off;
they seem to be ‘not listening’, although afterwards they cannot remember what was said.

Some adults interpret this reaction as indifference. In reality, the child is overwhelmed. The inner message may be: ‘If I don’t move, perhaps the danger will pass.’

4.Fawn
There are also children who neither fight, nor flee, nor freeze. They constantly try to please others. This type of response is known in the literature on trauma as ‘fawn’ and describes the tendency to avoid conflict through excessive submissiveness and by satisfying the needs of others.

It is not a survival response that has been studied as extensively from a neurobiological perspective as fight, flight or freeze, but many clinicians observe it in children and adults who have experienced relationships characterised by fear and power imbalances.

What might this look like?

• almost always says ‘yes’;
• cannot say no;
• constantly tries to be the ‘perfect child’;
• apologises very often;
• avoids any conflict;
• hides their own needs;
• tries to make everyone happy.

At first glance, parents may think they have an extremely well-behaved child. In reality, however, the child is not always calm, but frightened. Their inner message may be: ‘If I’m well-behaved enough, nobody will hurt me.’

Why is it important for parents to be aware of these reactions?

Because it completely changes their perspective. Instead of asking, ‘Why are they behaving like this?’, we can start asking, ‘What is their nervous system trying to protect?’ This shift does not mean we accept any behaviour. Children need clear boundaries. However, boundaries are far more effective when set within a context of safety and understanding.

How can we help them?

The first step is to remain calm ourselves. A child’s nervous system regulates itself through their relationship with an adult who conveys a sense of security. If we respond to aggression with even more aggression, the child’s alarm system is triggered even more strongly. It is helpful to acknowledge the emotion, even whilst setting limits on the behaviour: ‘I can see you’re very angry. I’m here with you, but I won’t let you hit out.’ Children need to learn, gradually, that emotions are natural and that there are safe ways to express them.

In situations where fight, flight, freeze or excessive submission responses persist, affect the child’s functioning or occur following a traumatic event, an assessment by a psychologist or psychiatrist specialising in child mental health is recommended.

Children do not choose to live in survival mode. They do not consciously decide to be aggressive, to run away, to freeze or to try to please everyone. These reactions occur because, at some point, their bodies have learnt that this is the best way to stay safe. As the child experiences stable, predictable relationships in which they are listened to and protected, their nervous system can gradually learn that the danger has passed. Healing does not merely mean the disappearance of symptoms, but the regaining of the sense that the world can once again become a safe place.

References:

Roelofs, K., & Dayan, P. (2022). Freezing revisited: coordinated autonomic and central optimisation of threat coping. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 23, 568–580.

Porges, S. W. (2021). Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. W. W.