Some parents emphasise obedience and discipline, whilst others give their child a great deal of freedom. There are also parents who try to combine emotional closeness with clear rules.

Psychology identifies four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved. The difference between them lies mainly in two aspects:

• how much warmth and emotional availability the parent offers the child;
• how much control they exercise and how they set boundaries.

These styles are not diagnostic. A parent does not react in the same way in every situation. They may be calm and flexible one day, but rigid or overly permissive when they are tired or overwhelmed. What matters is the pattern that repeats itself in their relationship with the child. Furthermore, the effects described are trends observed in research, not inevitable consequences. The child’s temperament, their relationships with other adults and the environment in which they grow up can all influence their development.

The authoritative or democratic style

An authoritative parent is warm and emotionally available, but also sets clear rules appropriate to the child’s age. They listen to the child’s point of view, explain the boundaries and allow the child to make choices where possible, without relinquishing their role as an adult. Empathy towards the child’s emotions does not mean accepting any behaviour.

For example, such a parent might say: ‘I understand that you’re very angry because we have to leave. It’s OK to be angry, but I won’t let you hit out.’ The child thus receives two important messages: their emotions are accepted, but their behaviour has limits.

This parenting style is most commonly associated with positive outcomes:

• better self-regulation;
• self-confidence;
• autonomy;
• better social skills;
• better academic performance;
• the ability to follow rules without constantly relying on adult supervision.

The authoritarian style

The authoritarian parent emphasises obedience, strict discipline and control. The rules are set by the adult and are rarely explained or discussed.

Common remarks may include: ‘You’ll do it because I say so’, ‘I don’t care what you want’, ‘If you carry on crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry.’

The child’s mistakes may be met with criticism, shaming, threats or harsh punishments. In the short term, a child brought up in this way may appear very well-behaved and disciplined, especially in the parent’s presence. However, their adherence to the rules may be driven more by fear than by an understanding of them.

In the long term, the following may arise:

• anxiety and fear of making mistakes;
• low self-esteem;
• dependence on the approval of others;
• difficulty in making decisions;
• a tendency to hide their mistakes;
• pent-up anger;
• aggressive behaviour or rebellion when adult control is absent.

Some children become very submissive, whilst others respond with defiance. Both reactions can stem from the same experience: the feeling that they are not allowed to have a voice of their own. Firmness is necessary in bringing up a child. However, it becomes healthier when accompanied by respect, explanations and emotional availability.

The permissive parenting style

A permissive parent is usually affectionate and responsive to their child’s emotions, but sets few boundaries or fails to enforce them. They may avoid saying ‘no’ so as not to upset the child. Sometimes they set a rule, but give in when the child cries, protests or insists. In other situations, the child is allowed to make decisions for which they do not yet have the necessary maturity.

The child may feel loved, accepted and free to express themselves. These are positive aspects. However, a lack of structure can lead to:

• difficulties with self-control;
• low tolerance for frustration;
• impulsiveness;
• difficulties in following rules;
• an expectation that their wishes will be fulfilled immediately;
• insecurity in situations where they need an adult to take the lead.

A child does not just need love and freedom. They also need to feel that an adult can manage the situation, protect them and tolerate their dissatisfaction without abandoning the boundaries.

The uninvolved or neglectful parenting style

In the uninvolved parenting style, there is very little emotional closeness or supervision. The parent may be physically absent. At other times, they may live with the child but are unaware of the child’s concerns, friends, difficulties or daily activities. Sometimes, this lack of involvement stems from a lack of interest. In other cases, the parent may be experiencing depression, exhaustion, addiction, family conflicts or other problems for which they receive no support.

Of the four styles, the uninvolved style is associated with the most negative consequences:

• insecure attachment;
• low self-esteem;
• difficulties at school;
• problems with self-regulation;
• anxiety or depression;
• risky behaviour;
• relationship difficulties;
• the feeling that they cannot rely on others.

A child who appears very independent may, in reality, be a child who has learnt that they have no one to turn to. When a parent fails to provide a child with their basic needs, protection or the necessary supervision, this is no longer simply a matter of parenting style. It may constitute neglect, which is a form of child abuse.

How can parenting style influence a child’s vulnerability to abuse?

No parenting style or child characteristic causes abuse. The responsibility always lies with the abuser. However, certain consequences of the relationship with parents can make it more difficult for a child to recognise abusive behaviour, to resist it or to ask for help.

A child brought up in a very authoritarian environment may learn that they must obey adults without questioning them. If their refusal, anger or discomfort are punished, they may find it hard to say ‘no’ when another adult violates their boundaries. The child may also hide what is happening to them for fear of being told off, punished or accused of disobeying.

A child raised in an uninvolved environment may look elsewhere for attention, affection and the feeling that they matter to someone. A potential abuser may exploit this need by offering special attention, gifts, validation or the promise of a close relationship. A lack of supervision can provide the abuser with even more opportunities to get close to the child without protective adults noticing.

In the case of a permissive parenting style, the risk does not stem from the affection or freedom offered to the child, but from the lack of clear rules regarding safety. The child may find it difficult to recognise appropriate boundaries between children and adults, particularly if they have not learnt what privacy, dangerous secrets or inappropriate behaviour entail.

Among the consequences that can increase a child’s vulnerability are:

• the belief that they must obey any adult;
• difficulty in saying ‘no’ or defending their boundaries;
• fear of telling a parent about a mistake;
• a strong need for attention and validation;
• low self-esteem;
• the habit of keeping secrets from parents;
• difficulty in recognising control and manipulation;
• the absence of an adult whom the child trusts;
• insufficient supervision, including online.

Conversely, a warm and predictable relationship with a parent can play a protective role. A child who knows they will be listened to without being humiliated or punished is more likely to speak out when someone makes them feel uncomfortable. This sense of protection grows when the child knows they have the right to refuse physical contact, that they owe no affection to any adult, and that secrets which frighten or weigh heavily on them must be shared. It is equally important for them to know that their parent will help them even if they have broken a rule, replied to a message or initially accepted that person’s attention. The aim is not for the parent to constantly control the child, but to build a relationship in which the child can ask for help without fear of losing the adult’s love or protection.

What is the healthiest parenting style?

Generally speaking, the authoritative or democratic style offers the most protective balance. It combines:

• warmth and emotional closeness;
• listening to the child;
• clear and consistent rules;
• age-appropriate boundaries;
• freedom granted gradually;
• respect for the child’s autonomy.

This style does not require a perfect parent, nor a child who always cooperates. Conflicts, mistakes and moments of losing one’s patience occur in all families. More important than fitting into a particular category is for the parent to be able to ask themselves:

• ‘Do I find it hard to cope with my child’s upset, and is that why I give in?’
• ‘Do I demand obedience without explaining?’
• ‘Am I only present when a problem arises?’
• “Can I recognise when I’ve reacted too harshly?”
• “Do I manage to reconnect with them after a conflict?”

A parent’s ability to acknowledge their mistakes and repair the relationship helps the child learn that a conflict does not mean a loss of love.

Children need both a close relationship and boundaries

Unconditional warmth without boundaries can leave a child without guidance. Boundaries without warmth can make them feel controlled, misunderstood or unloved. Together, emotional closeness and clear boundaries help them to develop their independence without losing their sense of security. A ‘good enough’ parent does not react perfectly every time. However, they remain curious about their child, take responsibility for the impact of their own behaviour, and try to change whatever is causing harm.

References:

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.

Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487–496.

Article written by Diana Munteanu, clinical psychologist & psychotherapist, Barnahus Centre